Classes I wish I had been able to take in college
Classes I wish I had been able to take in college instead of Ballroom Dancing so I wouldn’t have to learn from the School of Google right now:
**Simple Mechanics for Morons:
** Carology 103**
**
- How to measure your tire pressure; how often
- How to check your windshield fluid; how often
- How to change a spare tire
- How often to take your car in for maintenance
- How to replace a timing belt
- How to replace headlights
- How to change the oil
- Find out how to get the [Classes I wish I had been able to take in college instead of Ballroom Dancing so I wouldn’t have to learn from the School of Google right now:
**Simple Mechanics for Morons:
** Carology 103**
**
- How to measure your tire pressure; how often
- How to check your windshield fluid; how often
- How to change a spare tire
- How often to take your car in for maintenance
- How to replace a timing belt
- How to replace headlights
- How to change the oil
- Find out how to get the](http://www.cartalk.com/) to be my mechanics
**Who Do You Think You Are, Goldman Sachs?:
Finance 202 (Finance 101: “Be cheap and live below your means” already taught by Prof. Mom)**
- How to invest in the stock market, not just picking Israeli company names that sound good
- How to allocate your 401k correctly, not just doing a fake-random generator to pick stuff
- How to be able to afford a new house, new car, and grad school for at least one person-but maybe two!- at the same time
- How to get a raise by getting a sex change
**The Anti-Greta Garbo: How to Interact with People
Sociology 500**
- How to make small talk at parties where you know everyone is judging you
- How to make small talk at parties where you are judging everyone else
- How to make small talk, period. Some alternatives to, “Wow! It’s really cold outside right now. And it snowed last week!”
- How to interact with people my age in a normal way (music, sports, Kim Kardashian) without getting into discussions about Maslow and whether fat acceptance is acceptable.
- How to stop myself from shaking people the next time they ask when Mr. B is moving here.
- How to stop myself from committing homicide when people that will not be taking care of any children that Mr. B and I have ask when Mr. B and I are having the children that Mr. B and I will have.
**Fashion is a Passion
Hauteology 389**
- How to dress like Emma Pillsbury. Period.
- But also like this girl.
- But on this budget.
**Home Alone HOLY CRAP:
Home Maintenance 200**
- How to fix the toilet and not have to wait a week for Mr. B to come so then you use the cold, cold bathroom downstairs. This one is critical.
- How to heat the driveway so you never, ever have to shovel snow and become paranoid about frostbite
- Feng shui: how to arrange the furniture in your room to pretend like you have your own apartment again
- Thermodynamics, bitches. Why the hell does the heat always go to the top of the house when I need to be in the kitchen. How do I make it stay at the bottom?
- Where the hell do all my socks go in the dryer?
- Why does everything become dirty only moments after I clean it?
- Why do I sometimes just go down to the basement, look at all of our things lying in the dark, especially my beautiful and comfortable mattress, and whisper to them, “Someday, my pretties, someday” ?