We’re Getting Our Backsplash Installed By Russians. Pray for us.

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Rule Nomer Odin * of living in Russian Philadelphia is: Never get involved with Russian businesses.  Ever.

So we’re hiring a Russian to do our kitchen backsplash.

Here are reasons you should never do business with Russians:

  • Our wedding D.J. was also a real estate agent and tried to sell us a house right after our reception ended.
  • The Russian restaurant where we had our wedding went out of business two weeks later.  Also, we couldn’t find the chef until the day before the wedding.

  • Not to mention, my dad had to fix their electrical wiring so we could play our wedding movie and slideshow.

  • Our cantor  was able to perform our service in the middle of a Saturday, no questions asked.
  • A doctor Mr. B once went to was going to give him a shot that “might make you not feel your arm for a little bit, but then it’ll be better.”
  • A Russian ambulance that someone we know used in an emergency urged them to “crack open a window” in lieu of having an oxygen tank in the ambulance
  • My mom did her tax returns with a Russian one year.  She received more than $2000 back which she shouldn’t have.
  • My aunt did the same and had to pay more than $500 that she shouldn’t have.
  • There are major health code violations in our beloved Russian grocery stores.
  • My manicurist asked me when I was having kids.
  • Someone was shot at a Russian business, more than once.
  • I’ve personally been overcharged for Nutella at Bell’s Market. (note how none of the people reviewing it are actually Russian.)
And yet, we as a Russian community bear all of these grievances with a quiet and heavy heart, because we are Jewish, and cheap as hell, and there is no way we are paying full American prices for services and goods rendered. What are we, freiers?  Also, we like paying in cash.
So it is with great sorrow that I must announce that we are going to hire a Russian contractor to do the backsplash in our kitchen (something like this).  We have no idea who this guy is yet, but Mr. B’s mom knows a friend who knows him, so he is OBVIOUSLY legit. Also, I don’t think he has a last name.
Here’s a before picture of our beautiful new kitchen. Just in case. For insurance purposes. Pray for us.
*By the way, I just realized that Russian has two words for the number “one.”, Odin and raz’, which you use when you’re counting. But you can also use odin.  You can see how this number confusion can result in discrepancies of hundreds of dollars of tax evasion among Russian businesses.