The worst-kept resolutions

“I resolve never to drink alone again, unless my partner’s passed out. Then it’s every man for himself. All hands on deck, I say.”

“I resolve to stop smoking…right after I finish this pipe.”

“I resolve to stop gossiping about other bitches. I’ll just think the bad thoughts, instead. ”

“I resolve to stop being a dick to my dog and to stop smoking. Maybe.”

“I resolve to stop buying crack and start making my own to save money.”

“I resolve to stop making my girlfriend listen to my music by dumping her and getting a new girlfriend.”

“I resolve to vanquish my enemies in a more efficient manner.”

“I resolve to buy myself a Kindle Paperwhite so I can see at night, and also one for this creepy old dude reading over my shoulder all the time.”

“I resolve to lose my dignity and resort to all-out bawling less often in 2014.”